uncomfortably willing.

Wooohooo!! A little mini celebration for the fact that this will be my THIRD post for November...I might actually start having a weekly blog. Wow. Everything is possible:

I am about to get a ride to the airport in less than an hour to go home for thanksgiving. So much to be thankful for that it's a bit absurd. I have so many different unconnected thoughts to share, so we will see how this turns out... I printed my airplane ticket this morning for a flight that is not till this evening. It's great how the internet makes things so much easier...or does it? I printed my ticket and instead of having a seat number on it, instead it read, "Departure Management Card," and then small print telling me to wait for a seat assignment at the gate...or an upgrade. So in other words this is their nice way of saying, woops, we overbooked. Sometimes I feel like a grandma because I think about how it used to be that you had to get your ticket at the airport, no more than 2 hrs before departure...now because I am actually "late" to the virtual check in, I am wait listed. Thats crazy! What's funny is I always feel so ahead of the game by doing it online, but then I realize to actually be ahead of the game it means to have checked-in 24hrs in advance. Sheesh. As I get ready to go to the airport I feel this slight discomfort because anything could happen. I know, technically I paid for the flight so one way or another, I HAVE TO have a flight, but still, my tentative schedule is more tentative than I originally thought.
It makes me think of how I am actually not as spontaneous and adventurous as I like to imagine. Well that is if I am measuring based upon my emotions. Emotionally speaking, this tiny part of me thinks, just don't go. Stay in Texas and don't go, it will be complicated. uncomfortable. and confrontational at the airport. Those ideas don'e exactly emit the best feelings. I was just beginning to think about how many emotions I feel a day and how I sub-consciously filter so many in order to do or not do things. For instance last night, WORST TRAFFIC ever (ok maybe a little exaggeration) but really, it was the type that just breaks you down emotionally. I was on my way to a lifegroup at this church I've just recently been attending. It took me over an hour to get there. I finally got to the apt. complex, and then I couldn't find the apt. No really. Most confusing place ever. After all the traffic, all the emotions I had to silence just to get there, I literally thought, I am going home. I can't find their door, so I'm just going home.
Irrational. I know, thanks.
That is probably a bit dramatic for the event, but I was so tired and hungry that I literally just wanted to sit down and quit. (Happy to say, I did find the door)
All that to say, emotions are ridiculous at times. They seem to be irrational a lot of the time. For instance: I am having a bad day, I'll eat ice cream. or the job i'm assigned looks difficult, I shouldn't try. Okay I am already out of great examples...but you get the point.
This is why I need to die and Christ needs to live. When Christ becomes my master and and my wisdom, then the emotions no longer dictate my actions in an irrational way. But let's be honest, even though we say He is our master and the one we are obedient to, it's usually seems better to just go with the emotion's idea. I am realizing that a lot in my life recently. Sometimes people ask for my help, and in all honesty I don't want to do it. Why?
I guess because I just don't want to because me, myself and I want to do something different. Yet in those moments I find the greatest victory when I just submit to what the Holy Spirit is nudging me to DO. To the emotions and comfort side of me, it seems like a bad idea, but the end result miraculously produces in me the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, and goodness.
I find there is such kindness from Father God in these instances, because He doesn't choose to point out what I really wanted to do, instead He chooses to bless me and rejoice over me with singing everytime I do submit to Him (even if my attitude/emotions seem a bit nasty at first). What compassion, and what kindness.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am basically saying the heart of Father God really is to give us a hope and a future, to see the potential in us and push us towards the goal to win the prize! Thus to lay down what my emotions want and take on what Jesus desires, is life giving and from where great adventure actually comes. How sweet it is to walk as a child of the King!

Seeing through His eyes

What a week it has been. A great week. Full of different experiences and filled with a new sense of being transitioned. I feel I'm at home here. That probably has a lot to do with living with an amazing couple who have treated me as though I am not only their daughter, but also a princess:) It's an interesting feeling to have and an interesting place to be in life. I guess some would call it content. I am content. Not complacent, but rather content. Experiences this week included visiting prison with other women to love on some beautiful, yet broken prisoners; wisdom from a couple of very wise women; sincere worship with new acquaintances, another event for work, sharing my testimony with co-workers, sharing event reports, amaaazing discounts at j.crew, running, finding creativity within (reaching deep to find some:)) for work, and learning more about life. I would say my revelation of this week would have to be, to ask. Ask and He answers. So simple. okay let's be honest, it's almost a bit silly because it's just that simple. I was very specific this week in my requests to Papa God and it worked...amaaazing:) He actually responds....haha, but really, how often am I just general in my cries, comments, questions, etc with the Lord? if I were to get really really honest...it's easier when I'm writing it down...I would probably say the vagueness comes from a lack of trust, and the fear He might not respond. That all I believe and that who God is will fail with the lack of response. Extreme, yep, it is. But amazingly enough, instead of him failing, he is constantly reassuring as well as confirming the reality of who He is. Faithful. Loyal. Love. Good. Life. Freedom. Hope. I could keep going...
All that to lead into saying, what I understand and what I see is all ciphered through my experiences and the realities I understand to exist through them. So now consider the fact that man's heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17) and how man sees the outside appearance, while God sees the heart. So He sees right through everything we do, say, see, feel, and believe. He sees through it.
So what does that mean to me? I guess my prayer would become, God direct me and give me your eyes, because the truth is I see and understand a lot of things that may actually be false and inaccurate. So I need His eyes. I need to see as he sees. Or better yet, I need to learn to trust his eyes as is voice guides me. If he is seeing the reality and the depth of everything from the beginning of time and through eternity, well I think it would be safe to say, his perspective is prooobably a LOT richer, and DEFINITELY what one would call, accurate.
 Papa give me your eyes, and teach me to be obedient to your voice, because you KNOW the ultimate path to life. I desire life; that is, life through your eyes.

City Life

I am the WORST at consistent blogging. I have a new found respect for alll the faithful bloggers out there. I humbly admit if I ever actually had 3 followers...I may be the only one now reading this post. Oh well, I guess it can be a personal therapy post:) So this past weekend I was in Chicago doing another SEED event through Park Community Church. Really cool place. Must say I kind of fell in love with that city, it didn't even take 24hours! Reasons: architecture. atmosphere. people. river. lake michigan. autumn. clean city. amazing food and coffee. There are more reasons but i'll just stop at that. While there I was confronted with another reality of myself. It's amazing how Jesus challenges me and speaks to me through the strangest of situations. This one happened through a homeless and broken little old lady. What I realized from the experience was not new to me but was the first time I recognized what is behind the emotion I feel in uncomfortable situations with poor, homeless people. First I realized I cannot walk by one homeless person with out feeling sick to my stomach and a desire to help them. So why do I walk by so many times? Perhaps it's my analytical mind. I have learned about the manipulative poor, how it doesn't help long term to throw money in a bucket and walk away. I've learned the money given in that manner can be used for things other than food as well as the fact that it can be a false comfort that "I've been good." Basically its the whole idea of easing the guilt one feels for the homeless person who has nothing while I or whoever it is, has plenty. So what do we do about this? No matter the practical reasons which may have some truth to them, the person is still in need. So, give or don't give? that tis the question...

My fear and guilt I feel have nothing to do with possible danger/harm. Maybe that's because my mind doesn't really travel down that path often. What I do fear, is my incapability. I have fear with the reality of there being so much need and so little to give. Sounds pretty silly, I know. Of course I don't have the capability to provide for all the needs of the poor. I am one person. Okay, that's common knowledge. BUT, Jesus is capable. I spend so much time using my physical eyes that I miss what is going on through spiritual eyes. Why do I/we make it so complicated? The proverbs says to help when it is in your power to act. So do I drop in the only dollar in my pocket or invite the guy to lunch? Do I walk by and simply pray for that person that Jesus would touch them? Do I share the gospel with them? Do I give them instructions to a place where they can be rehabilitated? Do I just sit down and listen? Yes.
I learn this over and over again but until I learn to walk consistently by the Spirit, my mind will act instead of the Spirit. My mind confuses me, but the Spirit frees me. I think it depends. Basically all this to say, it was a great reality check of walking by the Spirit and how the Spirit leads me in each moment. It goes back to desperation, it goes back to listening, it goes back to resting...its all connected. When I am desperately seeking the Lord, I am listening, and then I am resting in His peace. Every moment of every day becomes an opportunity. An opportunity to love the little old lady that's homeless. An opportunity to love that ritzy women in the designer boots who seems to wealthy to need help. An opportunity to smile at the clerk in walmart or pick up the child that falls while running. Or bless and pray for the car right beside me at a stoplight. Always an opportunity. It's a lifestyle. It's walking by the Spirit. I want to learn this. I want to live this. Teach me Papa how to walk in love. Tangibly and extravagantly.