I should probably start by saying… woops! I made a promise to write a weekly blog and haven’t made it past one blog…. But let the consistency begin! Please have some grace on me, I’m not exactly a professional bloggerJ. Well here I am flying back to Dallas after two weeks in Pennsylvania and Virginia. I am always surprised how life works and sometimes I just can’t help but think when sitting in a coffee shop or staying with people I have just met, how interesting life is. I could not have planned or imagined the places I would see or the people I would meet. It’s just interesting. I like that. As we have been working packing aid and meeting all kinds of people and dealing with all kinds of situations that happen NOT as planned, I’ve really begun to revisit the idea of desperation and dependency. I would consider myself pretty independent, I am not afraid to travel alone, eat alone, and go places where I have no idea the outcome or what I will actually be doing. To me it is exciting and adventurous. Through my adventures I have really found one concept repeated over and over; that is desperation for more of Jesus. What does it look like? Does it appear sloppy to those who are practical and successful? Is it possible to be desperate yet still reputable? When I think of ministries and how they function I wonder this. Is not faith a form of desperation? I know that without faith it is impossible to please God, but is not the actual definition of faith, the evidence of things hoped for and the substance of things unseen? An unseen substance, so its substance but I cannot see it. If I am hoping and living according to the unseen substance, it could begin to seem a bit sloppy, in the physical eyes. Now to bring some kind of connection with desperation, if faith is my lifestyle, then it is how I live. In other words, I don’t have other plans in case this substance remains unseen to my naked eye. So that’s a bit strange. I mean let’s be honest, try explaining that to someone who is practical and successful in this world. I am starting to learn the real “go-getters” always have a plan; in fact they have about 20 plans in case the first six or so don’t work. That’s a lot of planning, and a lot of independence. I don’t think they have trouble each day with making at least one plan come into effect. So what if you’re only plan is Faith. Faith in God. Faith in the unseen. Faith that God will come through with whatever is at hand. So then if my utter dependence for provision is in the faith that God will provide, then I would seek Him constantly, and if He doesn’t end up doing as I hope, nothing happens. That’s a pretty vulnerable and scary spot to be. It means all operations shut down without God’s provision. It means in a ministry if God doesn’t bring the aid needed to send to a foreign land, then it doesn’t happen. Wow. I guess what I am basically wondering is, would I continue to function quite well without the hand of God in my life? I would imagine that if I am completely dependent upon Him, I would not. If I am not truly desperate for Him, than if He doesn’t do according to how I determined He should, I could come up with another plan. Isn’t that what we do all the time? We say I will trust God and put my faith in Him, but we “secretly” have a few other options in our back pocket. Thus we are able to maintain the appearance of godliness, yet be fully in control and “practical.” Men and women of faith in Hebrews didn’t actually ever see what they hoped for in this life. Wait stop. So does that mean that sometimes even in my desperation I will not see what I hope for? Hmm… So than I can’t just be desperate for His response. I am starting to realize I must also be satisfied in His character. Desperate yet satisfied. Now that is really foreign to the practical mind. That is what I desire. I desire to be desperate for Jesus. To recognize that if He doesn’t show up in my life, I will not continue on. On a larger scale, I desire to see ministries function in this way, that if He doesn’t show up in the ministry, it shuts down. Apart from Christ, I can do nothing. It’s not very practical. In fact it’s a bit radical. But scripture is radical. It’s not always practical. I spend too much time being practical, yet I don’t know if I actually move forward with all my brilliant, “beat the system” plans. I think there are many practical ministries that could continue to function quite well without ever feeling desperate or fully dependent upon the Lord. But is that what I want? I don’t believe it is. I think I would prefer to have my life story repeated one day as dangerous, risky, yet completely rooted in the unwavering, unchanging character of Jesus. Yep, a life that was desperate, yet joyfully satisfied.
