Good, who God is.

God is good. Period. As in the definition of good. As in anything apart from Him is not. Why is that so difficult to comprehend in my daily life? I like the idea of it when it seems to fit within my pea-brained understanding of good, but what about the times it seems to go outside of those parameters? What then? How do I understand that He is good, and ALL the time? That means no matter what the issue, the pain, the joy, the questions, the loneliness, the fear, the laughter, the evil, the loss, etc. He is still good. This is something that I am constantly going back to. The UNchanging ALWAYS faithful character of God. I will do a preach on it and sound as though I get it, and live my life steadfastly understanding it, but to be completely honest, that's not the truth. Sure, I get it more and more each day, but I am amazed at my reactions when challenges come. My first thought is to question His character. How heartbreaking for Father God to constantly be in the place of questioning by me.
 Are you really wanting to bless me Papa? Are you going to take me this far and then pull the rug out from under me? How can I trust you, this circumstance/situation says everything opposite to what you told me.
 I am just being honest, those are some of my initial reactions many times when opposition or questionable situations arise. Papa forgive me. Teach me to live rooted in your goodness. Not according to how I understand goodness, but according to WHO you are and your UNchanging character.

Every time I make it through an unlikely situation and am able to come out on the other side recognizing God's hand in it as well as his goodness; well, in each of those situations I build a beautiful history with Jesus that he IS fully the character He told us. That is what a wise woman once told me. This what I desire, to build a beautiful history of trust and faithfulness with Jesus. To not only tell of his goodness/character but to experience it.

He understands

 I love the scriptures that say how God heard the cries for mercy and for help. In the Psalms it talks about accusing tongues and I can definitely relate to that. I mean, I would imagine we all can. How many times in a day am I mis-understood? How many times in a day am I having to explain myself and still I feel I was not accurately understood. The motives of people are a constant diagnosis, if you will. It always changes and it is never consistent. Recently, Jesus has been so good at reminding me that he hears me. He understands me. He sees my heart. He knows what I mean, he gets it! How refreshing to have Jesus on my side. To recognize he sees what is truly going on within me and gently corrects me when needed. To put it in perspective, ever since he died on the cross, I am seen as righteous because he is my defender. So not only does he understand me, see my motives, and redirect me when needed, but he also defends me!
This being the case, why do I feel more times than not that I must defend myself and explain myself to those others who have the same trouble in their own lives?
Maybe that is a silly question, but it is just what I have been thinking about. There are days when I mess up. I am trying really hard to do the best I can, but somwhere in there miscommunication happens, and I mess up. In those times, I have been convicted at how quickly I want to defend myself although I could just admit, woops, I messed up! Yet, there is something within me that wants to say WAIT, I can explain! In complete transparency, I would also have to admit in those times, it is usually an excuse and/or a time when I shift the blame. Yep, that would be me, Eve. :(
I guess it really all goes back to the beginning. Since brokenness happened in our intimacy with God, a need to explain ourselves, defend ourselves, and blame others has been an epidemic.
But GOOD NEWS....
this does not have to be the end of my story. Yes I am going to bring up the cross and Jesus, but mostly I recognize the choice I have each day now that I am reunited to Jesus, to humble myself.
To admit failure, mistake, or whatever it be, EVEN if I can rightly blame another.
WHy? well, I guess it's because at the end of the day, I stand before God and... he understands.

my hands are up!

Remember how the bad guys used to be caught in movies? The "good guys" would corner them and when all hopes of escape were lost, they would lift their hands up and be taken into custody. That moment of the movie was always the moment of relief and recognition the story had come to an end..and thus...all was well. As I consider what that really means, I realize how this idea of surrender was most likely the worst for the "bad guys." It was a sign of losing and also a sign of consequence. The game was over. They had been caught. Everything from that point seemed bleak. No millions of dollars to take and no longer a chance for all the comfort that came with it. Most importantly they had now lost all control of their lives.
Isn't that interesting? Think about it, loss of control.
We celebrated their loss of control, and they mourned this same loss.
We celebrated because we recognized when they had personal control, it meant danger for everyone else. They mourned because they could no longer make personal decisions, from that point on they had to fully submit to the law. Physically, their futures were now bound with chains.

We have been called to fully submit to God. To surrender control. Lose control. Hands up, all selfish games over.
          But
Surrender and control in the realms of Jesus are different. Another one of those "upside down kingdom" principles.
When we give control to God (commit our ways to the Lord) surrender our will and our control for His will and His control...well we find life. Hands up means more life, more freedom and most importantly its the RECOGNITION that I am NOT in control.

ALL of that to say, I am not in control. Recently in life, in work, in friendships, etc I realize, well that my hands are up. Of course I have done the typical run and "control" till I feel stuck in a corner. But, I finally am having the revelation that its a GOOD thing to be out of control (within the realms of submission to God). I can't do it. everything. anything. I put my hands up and say Jesus  you take control. Jesus you direct my paths. Jesus  you direct my thoughts. Jesus you direct my life. small things. big things. everything.
It makes sense to put my hands up in worship as I recognize this reality. this truth. He is in control, and

it is good.

uncomfortably willing.

Wooohooo!! A little mini celebration for the fact that this will be my THIRD post for November...I might actually start having a weekly blog. Wow. Everything is possible:

I am about to get a ride to the airport in less than an hour to go home for thanksgiving. So much to be thankful for that it's a bit absurd. I have so many different unconnected thoughts to share, so we will see how this turns out... I printed my airplane ticket this morning for a flight that is not till this evening. It's great how the internet makes things so much easier...or does it? I printed my ticket and instead of having a seat number on it, instead it read, "Departure Management Card," and then small print telling me to wait for a seat assignment at the gate...or an upgrade. So in other words this is their nice way of saying, woops, we overbooked. Sometimes I feel like a grandma because I think about how it used to be that you had to get your ticket at the airport, no more than 2 hrs before departure...now because I am actually "late" to the virtual check in, I am wait listed. Thats crazy! What's funny is I always feel so ahead of the game by doing it online, but then I realize to actually be ahead of the game it means to have checked-in 24hrs in advance. Sheesh. As I get ready to go to the airport I feel this slight discomfort because anything could happen. I know, technically I paid for the flight so one way or another, I HAVE TO have a flight, but still, my tentative schedule is more tentative than I originally thought.
It makes me think of how I am actually not as spontaneous and adventurous as I like to imagine. Well that is if I am measuring based upon my emotions. Emotionally speaking, this tiny part of me thinks, just don't go. Stay in Texas and don't go, it will be complicated. uncomfortable. and confrontational at the airport. Those ideas don'e exactly emit the best feelings. I was just beginning to think about how many emotions I feel a day and how I sub-consciously filter so many in order to do or not do things. For instance last night, WORST TRAFFIC ever (ok maybe a little exaggeration) but really, it was the type that just breaks you down emotionally. I was on my way to a lifegroup at this church I've just recently been attending. It took me over an hour to get there. I finally got to the apt. complex, and then I couldn't find the apt. No really. Most confusing place ever. After all the traffic, all the emotions I had to silence just to get there, I literally thought, I am going home. I can't find their door, so I'm just going home.
Irrational. I know, thanks.
That is probably a bit dramatic for the event, but I was so tired and hungry that I literally just wanted to sit down and quit. (Happy to say, I did find the door)
All that to say, emotions are ridiculous at times. They seem to be irrational a lot of the time. For instance: I am having a bad day, I'll eat ice cream. or the job i'm assigned looks difficult, I shouldn't try. Okay I am already out of great examples...but you get the point.
This is why I need to die and Christ needs to live. When Christ becomes my master and and my wisdom, then the emotions no longer dictate my actions in an irrational way. But let's be honest, even though we say He is our master and the one we are obedient to, it's usually seems better to just go with the emotion's idea. I am realizing that a lot in my life recently. Sometimes people ask for my help, and in all honesty I don't want to do it. Why?
I guess because I just don't want to because me, myself and I want to do something different. Yet in those moments I find the greatest victory when I just submit to what the Holy Spirit is nudging me to DO. To the emotions and comfort side of me, it seems like a bad idea, but the end result miraculously produces in me the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, self-control, gentleness, and goodness.
I find there is such kindness from Father God in these instances, because He doesn't choose to point out what I really wanted to do, instead He chooses to bless me and rejoice over me with singing everytime I do submit to Him (even if my attitude/emotions seem a bit nasty at first). What compassion, and what kindness.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am basically saying the heart of Father God really is to give us a hope and a future, to see the potential in us and push us towards the goal to win the prize! Thus to lay down what my emotions want and take on what Jesus desires, is life giving and from where great adventure actually comes. How sweet it is to walk as a child of the King!

Seeing through His eyes

What a week it has been. A great week. Full of different experiences and filled with a new sense of being transitioned. I feel I'm at home here. That probably has a lot to do with living with an amazing couple who have treated me as though I am not only their daughter, but also a princess:) It's an interesting feeling to have and an interesting place to be in life. I guess some would call it content. I am content. Not complacent, but rather content. Experiences this week included visiting prison with other women to love on some beautiful, yet broken prisoners; wisdom from a couple of very wise women; sincere worship with new acquaintances, another event for work, sharing my testimony with co-workers, sharing event reports, amaaazing discounts at j.crew, running, finding creativity within (reaching deep to find some:)) for work, and learning more about life. I would say my revelation of this week would have to be, to ask. Ask and He answers. So simple. okay let's be honest, it's almost a bit silly because it's just that simple. I was very specific this week in my requests to Papa God and it worked...amaaazing:) He actually responds....haha, but really, how often am I just general in my cries, comments, questions, etc with the Lord? if I were to get really really honest...it's easier when I'm writing it down...I would probably say the vagueness comes from a lack of trust, and the fear He might not respond. That all I believe and that who God is will fail with the lack of response. Extreme, yep, it is. But amazingly enough, instead of him failing, he is constantly reassuring as well as confirming the reality of who He is. Faithful. Loyal. Love. Good. Life. Freedom. Hope. I could keep going...
All that to lead into saying, what I understand and what I see is all ciphered through my experiences and the realities I understand to exist through them. So now consider the fact that man's heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17) and how man sees the outside appearance, while God sees the heart. So He sees right through everything we do, say, see, feel, and believe. He sees through it.
So what does that mean to me? I guess my prayer would become, God direct me and give me your eyes, because the truth is I see and understand a lot of things that may actually be false and inaccurate. So I need His eyes. I need to see as he sees. Or better yet, I need to learn to trust his eyes as is voice guides me. If he is seeing the reality and the depth of everything from the beginning of time and through eternity, well I think it would be safe to say, his perspective is prooobably a LOT richer, and DEFINITELY what one would call, accurate.
 Papa give me your eyes, and teach me to be obedient to your voice, because you KNOW the ultimate path to life. I desire life; that is, life through your eyes.

City Life

I am the WORST at consistent blogging. I have a new found respect for alll the faithful bloggers out there. I humbly admit if I ever actually had 3 followers...I may be the only one now reading this post. Oh well, I guess it can be a personal therapy post:) So this past weekend I was in Chicago doing another SEED event through Park Community Church. Really cool place. Must say I kind of fell in love with that city, it didn't even take 24hours! Reasons: architecture. atmosphere. people. river. lake michigan. autumn. clean city. amazing food and coffee. There are more reasons but i'll just stop at that. While there I was confronted with another reality of myself. It's amazing how Jesus challenges me and speaks to me through the strangest of situations. This one happened through a homeless and broken little old lady. What I realized from the experience was not new to me but was the first time I recognized what is behind the emotion I feel in uncomfortable situations with poor, homeless people. First I realized I cannot walk by one homeless person with out feeling sick to my stomach and a desire to help them. So why do I walk by so many times? Perhaps it's my analytical mind. I have learned about the manipulative poor, how it doesn't help long term to throw money in a bucket and walk away. I've learned the money given in that manner can be used for things other than food as well as the fact that it can be a false comfort that "I've been good." Basically its the whole idea of easing the guilt one feels for the homeless person who has nothing while I or whoever it is, has plenty. So what do we do about this? No matter the practical reasons which may have some truth to them, the person is still in need. So, give or don't give? that tis the question...

My fear and guilt I feel have nothing to do with possible danger/harm. Maybe that's because my mind doesn't really travel down that path often. What I do fear, is my incapability. I have fear with the reality of there being so much need and so little to give. Sounds pretty silly, I know. Of course I don't have the capability to provide for all the needs of the poor. I am one person. Okay, that's common knowledge. BUT, Jesus is capable. I spend so much time using my physical eyes that I miss what is going on through spiritual eyes. Why do I/we make it so complicated? The proverbs says to help when it is in your power to act. So do I drop in the only dollar in my pocket or invite the guy to lunch? Do I walk by and simply pray for that person that Jesus would touch them? Do I share the gospel with them? Do I give them instructions to a place where they can be rehabilitated? Do I just sit down and listen? Yes.
I learn this over and over again but until I learn to walk consistently by the Spirit, my mind will act instead of the Spirit. My mind confuses me, but the Spirit frees me. I think it depends. Basically all this to say, it was a great reality check of walking by the Spirit and how the Spirit leads me in each moment. It goes back to desperation, it goes back to listening, it goes back to resting...its all connected. When I am desperately seeking the Lord, I am listening, and then I am resting in His peace. Every moment of every day becomes an opportunity. An opportunity to love the little old lady that's homeless. An opportunity to love that ritzy women in the designer boots who seems to wealthy to need help. An opportunity to smile at the clerk in walmart or pick up the child that falls while running. Or bless and pray for the car right beside me at a stoplight. Always an opportunity. It's a lifestyle. It's walking by the Spirit. I want to learn this. I want to live this. Teach me Papa how to walk in love. Tangibly and extravagantly.

Desperate yet Satisfied

I should probably start by saying… woops! I made a promise to write a weekly blog and haven’t made it past one blog…. But let the consistency begin! Please have some grace on me, I’m not exactly a professional bloggerJ. Well here I am flying back to Dallas after two weeks in Pennsylvania and Virginia. I am always surprised how life works and sometimes I just can’t help but think when sitting in a coffee shop or staying with people I have just met, how interesting life is. I could not have planned or imagined the places I would see or the people I would meet. It’s just interesting. I like that. As we have been working packing aid and meeting all kinds of people and dealing with all kinds of situations that happen NOT as planned, I’ve really begun to revisit the idea of desperation and dependency. I would consider myself pretty independent, I am not afraid to travel alone, eat alone, and go places where I have no idea the outcome or what I will actually be doing. To me it is exciting and adventurous. Through my adventures I have really found one concept repeated over and over; that is desperation for more of Jesus. What does it look like? Does it appear sloppy to those who are practical and successful? Is it possible to be desperate yet still reputable? When I think of ministries and how they function I wonder this. Is not faith a form of desperation?  I know that without faith it is impossible to please God, but is not the actual definition of faith, the evidence of things hoped for and the substance of things unseen? An unseen substance, so its substance but I cannot see it. If I am hoping and living according to the unseen substance, it could begin to seem a bit sloppy, in the physical eyes. Now to bring some kind of connection with desperation, if faith is my lifestyle, then it is how I live. In other words, I don’t have other plans in case this substance remains unseen to my naked eye. So that’s a bit strange. I mean let’s be honest, try explaining that to someone who is practical and successful in this world. I am starting to learn the real “go-getters” always have a plan; in fact they have about 20 plans in case the first six or so don’t work. That’s a lot of planning, and a lot of independence. I don’t think they have trouble each day with making at least one plan come into effect. So what if you’re only plan is Faith. Faith in God. Faith in the unseen. Faith that God will come through with whatever is at hand. So then if my utter dependence for provision is in the faith that God will provide, then I would seek Him constantly, and if He doesn’t end up doing as I hope, nothing happens. That’s a pretty vulnerable and scary spot to be. It means all operations shut down without God’s provision. It means in a ministry if God doesn’t bring the aid needed to send to a foreign land, then it doesn’t happen. Wow. I guess what I am basically wondering is, would I continue to function quite well without the hand of God in my life? I would imagine that if I am completely dependent upon Him, I would not. If I am not truly desperate for Him, than if He doesn’t do according to how I determined He should, I could come up with another plan. Isn’t that what we do all the time? We say I will trust God and put my faith in Him, but we “secretly” have a few other options in our back pocket. Thus we are able to maintain the appearance of godliness, yet be fully in control and “practical.” Men and women of faith in Hebrews didn’t actually ever see what they hoped for in this life. Wait stop. So does that mean that sometimes even in my desperation I will not see what I hope for? Hmm… So than I can’t just be desperate for His response. I am starting to realize I must also be satisfied in His character. Desperate yet satisfied. Now that is really foreign to the practical mind.  That is what I desire. I desire to be desperate for Jesus. To recognize that if He doesn’t show up in my life, I will not continue on. On a larger scale, I desire to see ministries function in this way, that if He doesn’t show up in the ministry, it shuts down. Apart from Christ, I can do nothing. It’s not very practical. In fact it’s a bit radical. But scripture is radical. It’s not always practical. I spend too much time being practical, yet I don’t know if I actually move forward with all my brilliant, “beat the system” plans.  I think there are many practical ministries that could continue to function quite well without ever feeling desperate or fully dependent upon the Lord. But is that what I want? I don’t believe it is. I think I would prefer to have my life story repeated one day as dangerous, risky, yet completely rooted in the unwavering, unchanging character of Jesus. Yep, a life that was desperate, yet joyfully satisfied.